He would have been seven today
Had things gone differently
Who knows?
Being nearer to the hospital?
Or some other factor?
That we can never change
So now
I remember you
Every morning
Then shoulder the burdens
Of life
And the joys
Of your brothers
Read more about his short life here
He would have been six today
Had things gone differently
Who knows?
Being nearer to the hospital?
Or some other factor?
That we can never change
So now
I remember you
Every morning
Then shoulder the burdens
Of life
And the joys
Of your brothers
Read more about his short life here
We remember this and are still thankful for the support we had and still get.
http://timehop.com/c/fs:10150826808718452:10153292991413452:10420123:54d74
When did it become real and thereby lay you open to its impact?
Personally, I cannot remember. There was no defining moment of clarity that is salient in my memories. It must have come in slow parcels of cognition until it formed a picture I could comprehend.
Or maybe I still don’t understand it.
Growing up it was never real. I lost aunts and uncles, all my grandparents – but by the time this happened I had gained enough knowledge to know what was happening, and to be able to deal with it.
I ask the question as we have a four year old who is struggling with the question. Who lost his brother at three. How can so young a mind come to terms with this? Most of us have far more time to prepare for such events.
He is missing his brother immensely. He wants him back. He said to mummy that if we asked Jesus – “who lives in Bethlehem” – to bring him back. Mummy said this was not possible as much as we wanted to. Alexander has issue with things not being possible – perhaps a good trait for his later life. He had obviously been thinking this through a lot as he already had his answer ready.
“You go to the pound shop mummy, buy a lamp, rub it so the genie will come out. The genie can ring up Jesus and ask him!”
Of course – why didn’t we think of that…
But it roubles him deeper now. He has come to understand that we all die, and now he is frightened that we are going to die and leave him. We try to explain to him that this won’t happen for many years and he will be all grown up by then. He said to Mummy that is she died Daddy would cry very hard and he would not be able to get a wife! He know’s that Aunty Carol likes him but he is not sure he wants to marry her. (So you’re safe Uncle Daniel!)
He hasn’t quite got the difference between wife and mother yet.
On the positive side – he has a long time to get to grips with this and at least he is showing the intelligence and imagination to question and explore his feelings – and feels safe and happy to do so with us.
Holiday has started.
Not entirely well.
So much for relaxing. Started with a quick trip to the garage as my wheel is making all sorts of noises. (I am thinking now the bearings are going). The garage (the second I have taken it to in as many days) could find nothing wrong. They could however finally diagnose the check engine light – which it turns out could be the turbo going. Great! To fix that is nearly half as much as I paid for the car!
We tried to put that to the back of our minds and took Alexander to Whitstable castle as we had promised him. He had a great time there and at the beach throwing stones.
We came home to try to relax, this was not helped by the fact that our burglar alarm kept going off all by itself for no reason at random times during the night. It never rains…
Sunday. After a slow time getting up as we were tired out from kept being woken up! We went to Ashford. Today was the official opening of the SANDS baby memorial garden. Lucas has a stone there.
We picked up my Aunty Kath on the way. Alexander’s first words were – “She looks nice!” Compliments from a four-year-old. We were glad she could come as she was there for us on the night Lucas died.
We met my Mum and Dad at the garden.
This was a lovely service with readings, doves being released and balloons being let off. (Environmentally friendly ones I understand)
It was all very emotional and hit Rachel harder than she expected. There were tears and Alexander came to the rescue with a cuddle. (after everyone else had gone he also got very tearful as he said his own goodbyes)
Alexander missed most of the service though as he was off with a little girl called Charlotte that he befriended. They were inseparable all afternoon – I even caught them whispering about marriage!
We came home and had a relaxed tea.
After getting a tired Alexander to bed, I spent the rest of the evening working on our adoption homework – hence the late hour of this post 1am!
Tonight was filling out forms about our relationship, family upbringing and how we deal with children.
So another up and down weekend but hey – no work tomorrow!
And Andy Murray won Wimbledon!
We decided to try and have a slow relaxed and easy day today as far as is possible with a four year old.
We needed supplies for the fish tank so popped to a garden centre to get some bits and had a quick bite to eat there.
Then we went to the SANDS baby memorial garden as Lucas’ stone has now been laid. It is a very lovely and peaceful place of reflection. Looking forward to the official opening in July. The garden is somehow a more positive place than the graveside – but I think both are needed.
The rest of the day was then coming home and mowing the lawn. Alexander’s friend from next door came in for a while and played with his knights.
I then has the chance to get another poem done and try to sort out some of the photos from the weekend.
One plus was that my diagnosis of the latest problem we have seen at work turned out to be spot on once the hardware had been examined. Opens a whole new can of worms though.
Well, after returning to work last Tuesday I promptly had to take the rest of the week off due to feeling very ill. Alexander joined me in this and was too ill to go back to nursery.
It was still an eventful week. A warning light had come on my engine over the last few days. I was going to take into the garage near me on Wednesday. However ended up ill in bed or being sick in the loo! Still it did not worry me as I was not going to be driving it until I was better – and then I would get it fixed. Other people had other ideas and being helpful got it booked into the garage for me! Where it still is being fixed.
I decided that enough was enough and that we had spent too much time and energy on this car, along with struggling with the lack of space in it. Something that was only going to get worse when we are successful in our adoption mission. (See – being positive there!)
The upshot of all this is I have a hire car for the week and will have a new one by the end of the week – by new I mean new – used – quite old actually but it the best we can do. It’s a triumph of function over form by which I mean it won’t be winning any beauty contests but will win our hearts by doing what we need it to. (6 Seats! Three of them in the front! It’s a Fiat Multipla for those who are interested.)
Anyway – this was all stress, stress, stress. There were better things going on.
This weekend was to be about Alexander’s 4th Birthday.
Friday night we received some good news – Alexander got offered a place in out first choice school – the local village one so that makes life easier.
Saturday, after picking up the car we went to get the fish for Alexander’s fish tank. However after they tested our sample of water it’s not quire ready for fish yet. Need to do some more preparation.
Then my parents, my Brother Adrian – his girlfriend Charlie and her son Sean came around for a birthday tea. Alexander had a great time opening some of his presents but most of all playing with Sean who he totally worshipped all afternoon/ He told him
“I really want a brother just like you.”
Much fun was had (despite being slowly sapped by the flu.)
The fun continued next day – we met up with My other brother Daniel and his fiancée Carol. We had lunch with them at the play gym and again Alexander had a great time.
Then we took Alexander to a kids show at the gulbenkian -“Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus”.
He had a great time – it was kind of like a mini panto.
All this feeling ill was put into stark contrast as on this Sunday two of my oldest friend are both doing Marathons.
Liz was running in the Paris Marathon which she completed – we were all very proud of her.
David – who is just mad – was running the first of his six marathons (in seven days) in the Sahara desert! The Marathon Desables. Mad Mad Mad. He is still going and doing well. Finger crossed for him!
Returned to work today which was a real struggle as I felt like I had regressed a bit this morning. Did a lot a resetting devices and upgrading them in the field.
Came home and after a quick bite to eat Rachel and I headed out to our SANDS meeting
This was quite hard as one of the regular people was quite heavily pregnant – we didn’t know as we hadn’t been able to go for the last few sessions. Rachel was quite upset but bravely stayed. She said for my sake but I am glad she did as I believe it helps her quite a bit as well.
There were more new people and some more hard stores to hear. Some cases that really sounded like negligence too. At least we aren’t faced with that – I think that would make it worse.
We paid for our memorial stone now so that will be added to the SANDS Memorial garden in Ashford in time for the grand opening in July.
Also during the last week Rachel has done extremely well in her course. She has achieved her first target early and got really high scores all round. Very proud of her.
So an up and down week summarised quickly there. Will try and do better this week and keep updated.
Oh.. and Maggie Thatcher Died
40 minute drive turned into 4 hours! All due to no gritting being done despite everyone knowing it was going to snow!
All roads from Folkestone to Hawkinge were blocked by traffic that couldn’t move. My boss had to abandon his car – I picked him up on the way but then we had to give up trying to get past the traffic. We tried a back route but that was also blocked, In the end I dropped Tim off at his friend’s house. I then tracked back into Folkestone and went along the M20 towards Ashford. This was clear of traffic but so covered with snow I could not see the road at all. However once I got to Ashford it was all clear. Eventually got home at 9:30.
Alexander was convinced I was stuck in a “whirl” with some pirates and a shark!
We were supposed to go the SANDS tonight but of course never made it.
SANDS have been supporting a project to have a memorial garden in Ashford and part of this is a mosaic. We went along to add a few tiles
Scott Andrew Bailey - Author 