Blue
By Scott Bailey © 2014
Another blue birthday
Like his eyes
Two years as if yesterday
The memories of watching
Blue fading to darkness
Unlike his eyes
My memories will never fade
Lucas
Poem a day challenge #265 (Blue)
Blue
By Scott Bailey © 2014
Another blue birthday
Like his eyes
Two years as if yesterday
The memories of watching
Blue fading to darkness
Unlike his eyes
My memories will never fade
http://wp.me/P3kG6h-bb and get my début novel Mankind Limited
When did you understand death?
When did it become real and thereby lay you open to its impact?
Personally, I cannot remember. There was no defining moment of clarity that is salient in my memories. It must have come in slow parcels of cognition until it formed a picture I could comprehend.
Or maybe I still don’t understand it.
Growing up it was never real. I lost aunts and uncles, all my grandparents – but by the time this happened I had gained enough knowledge to know what was happening, and to be able to deal with it.
I ask the question as we have a four year old who is struggling with the question. Who lost his brother at three. How can so young a mind come to terms with this? Most of us have far more time to prepare for such events.
He is missing his brother immensely. He wants him back. He said to mummy that if we asked Jesus – “who lives in Bethlehem” – to bring him back. Mummy said this was not possible as much as we wanted to. Alexander has issue with things not being possible – perhaps a good trait for his later life. He had obviously been thinking this through a lot as he already had his answer ready.
“You go to the pound shop mummy, buy a lamp, rub it so the genie will come out. The genie can ring up Jesus and ask him!”
Of course – why didn’t we think of that…
But it roubles him deeper now. He has come to understand that we all die, and now he is frightened that we are going to die and leave him. We try to explain to him that this won’t happen for many years and he will be all grown up by then. He said to Mummy that is she died Daddy would cry very hard and he would not be able to get a wife! He know’s that Aunty Carol likes him but he is not sure he wants to marry her. (So you’re safe Uncle Daniel!)
He hasn’t quite got the difference between wife and mother yet.
On the positive side – he has a long time to get to grips with this and at least he is showing the intelligence and imagination to question and explore his feelings – and feels safe and happy to do so with us.
Poem a day challenge #125 (Prevailing)
Prevailing
By Scott Bailey © 2013
Lost to us, never forgotten
Unusual tides took him away
Carried to peace and to sleep
And even as the dark will swell
Sad, but sad will not prevail
Get the previous ones herehttp://wp.me/P3kG6h-bb and get my début novel Mankind Limited
Baby Memorial Garden, Car Trouble and Adoption Homework
Holiday has started.
Not entirely well.
So much for relaxing. Started with a quick trip to the garage as my wheel is making all sorts of noises. (I am thinking now the bearings are going). The garage (the second I have taken it to in as many days) could find nothing wrong. They could however finally diagnose the check engine light – which it turns out could be the turbo going. Great! To fix that is nearly half as much as I paid for the car!
We tried to put that to the back of our minds and took Alexander to Whitstable castle as we had promised him. He had a great time there and at the beach throwing stones.
We came home to try to relax, this was not helped by the fact that our burglar alarm kept going off all by itself for no reason at random times during the night. It never rains…
Sunday. After a slow time getting up as we were tired out from kept being woken up! We went to Ashford. Today was the official opening of the SANDS baby memorial garden. Lucas has a stone there.
We picked up my Aunty Kath on the way. Alexander’s first words were – “She looks nice!” Compliments from a four-year-old. We were glad she could come as she was there for us on the night Lucas died.
We met my Mum and Dad at the garden.
This was a lovely service with readings, doves being released and balloons being let off. (Environmentally friendly ones I understand)
It was all very emotional and hit Rachel harder than she expected. There were tears and Alexander came to the rescue with a cuddle. (after everyone else had gone he also got very tearful as he said his own goodbyes)
Alexander missed most of the service though as he was off with a little girl called Charlotte that he befriended. They were inseparable all afternoon – I even caught them whispering about marriage!
We came home and had a relaxed tea.
After getting a tired Alexander to bed, I spent the rest of the evening working on our adoption homework – hence the late hour of this post 1am!
Tonight was filling out forms about our relationship, family upbringing and how we deal with children.
So another up and down weekend but hey – no work tomorrow!
And Andy Murray won Wimbledon!
Poem a Day Challenge #39 (Balloons)
Balloons
By Scott Bailey © 2013
Balloons rising high
Bear kisses into the sky
Up to the lost ones
Get the previous ones here
Memorial Stone
We decided to try and have a slow relaxed and easy day today as far as is possible with a four year old.
We needed supplies for the fish tank so popped to a garden centre to get some bits and had a quick bite to eat there.
Then we went to the SANDS baby memorial garden as Lucas’ stone has now been laid. It is a very lovely and peaceful place of reflection. Looking forward to the official opening in July. The garden is somehow a more positive place than the graveside – but I think both are needed.
The rest of the day was then coming home and mowing the lawn. Alexander’s friend from next door came in for a while and played with his knights.
I then has the chance to get another poem done and try to sort out some of the photos from the weekend.
One plus was that my diagnosis of the latest problem we have seen at work turned out to be spot on once the hardware had been examined. Opens a whole new can of worms though.
Lucas’ Birthday
Would have been Lucas’ first birthday today. Took the day off and spent it as a family. Made some little gifts and took the to his grave.
Alexander invented a new a machine called a hector-vector, a wheel that lets babies in heaven grow up to be big boys.
Visiting Lucas
Alexander decided he wanted to sing Lucas a lullaby.
Lucas laid to rest
One of the hardest days of my life. Carrying my little boy one last time to put him to sleep in his little white coffin. Funeral are bad enough, a child’s is just to worst
After Rachel and I went for dinner to just sit and think.
Lucas Henry Bailey
The saddest post I hope I ever have to make. (And posted quite some time after the event )
Yesterday at 38 weeks Rachel’s waters broke. We went straight to hospital but a she had not entered labour were sent back home. At about 11:00pm she suddenly experienced a huge loss of blood. An ambulance was called and we were rushed to William Harvey hospital.
At 12:03 am Lucas Henry Bailey was born by emergency caesarian. Rachel had suffered a placental abruption – where the placenta comes away from the womb wall too early. This deprived Lucas of blood and oxygen for too long a period.
He was born without a heartbeat but was revived. However the damage was too severe. he was brain damaged, deaf, blind and with no feeling. He could not survive.
Rachel’s Mum arranged a quick Christening and then life support was taken off. This allowed us to hold him in our arms for his last few hours. Rachel was still very drugged up at this point. I was not – and I remember watching him slip away slowly. He finally left us at 6:15 am.
He was looked after a loved for all that short time.
Scott Andrew Bailey - Author 